Ranking the NHL 2008-09 Alternate Jerseys

The NHL teams, as in most major sports, have worn alternate jerseys as a way to portray other means of wearing their colors and, obviously, to increase sales of team merchandise.

I’m not going to get into the craptastic jerseys of the past here (ie: Los Angeles Kings circa 1996) …at least not yet. Instead, my focus here is on the alternate jerseys that teams have unveiled this year.

(As a side note: All the images you see here are borrowed from NHLUniforms.com. If you have never visited this site, you absolutely must. This guy does a phenomenal job keeping track of all past, present and unseen NHL jerseys. He also runs another site, WHAUniforms.com, that is just as impressive.)

Anywho…19 teams have opted to wear alternate jerseys for the 2008-09 season. Montreal and Chicago have even taken it a step further by rolling out more than one alternate (3 and 2 respectively). I’ve taken it upon myself to give my fabulous opinion and rank said jerseys from best to worst. Being a Buffalo fan, I tend to be biased…but I’ve really made an attempt to be open-minded here…no, honestly!

On to the list:

1. St Louis Blues:

Number one on the list was an easy decision. This jersey is a perfect combination of the team logo, its history and colors, and the city they represent. Teams from around the league should look to this jersey the next time they decide to roll out new threads. I’d be proud to pull on this sweater if I was an NHL’er.

2. Chicago Blackhawks (alt #1):

I like this jersey almost as much as the St Louis one. But unfortunately, Chicago is only going to wear this for one game, as it will only be used for the Winter Classic 2009. Instead of just rolling out another all-black jersey, they combined a little of two past jerseys to get this effect. The tan stripe across the chest really gives this sweater some dimension and character. I applaud the designers on this one.

3. Buffalo Sabres:
I’ll be honest…being a Sabres fan all my life I really wanted to give this one the top spot. But giving this a good hard look against the others, I couldn’t realistically give this better props than the two teams above. I love this sweater as it returns the team to its roots with a little 21st century makeover. But I still have a personal gripe about the logo that has plagued all Buffalo teams…it’s the Buffalo SABRES, not the Buffalo Buffaloes! Stop putting such a focus on Bison for kripes sake! Yes, we’re from Buffalo, I get it! Then put a cool little bison on the shoulders if you need to…but make the crest a focus of the team image which is supposed to be a SABRE! Regardless…this jersey kicks ass and is easily in my top 5 all time favorite hockey sweaters.

4. San Jose Sharks:
I really like the Sharks’ jerseys and I always have. The new regular jerseys are cooler than ever. I love what they did with the revamping of the logo to make it look meaner and the orange piping is super cool…but then they go and draw up some generic looking black jersey. New on this jersey is the shark’s tail…which is all fine and good, but it looks more like a dolphin tail than a shark. And where did the orange go? Despite my griping, I do like this one (obviously), but with a little more TLC, this could have easily been number one.

5. Phoenix Coyotes:
I hate Phoenix for what they did to Winnipeg…but I can’t help but like their jerseys. Although that I am disappointed that they opted for a black dominated jersey, the overall effect is decent. They should have put more focus on the maroon scheme in my opinion. But, the running coyote is cool. Thank the Lord they didn’t put the Picasso coyote on this one. I would have recommended putting a new Aztec styled border across the bottom like the jerseys in the past. Other than that, I don’t have much to say.

6. Edmonton Oilers:
The good: This jersey is classic and bright! The bad: This jersey is classic and bright! Edmonton fans will always remember the 80’s dynasty, but don’t fool yourself into thinking the Oilers will ever be that dominant again. I like seeing the old colors streaking up and down the ice, but unless the jerseys read Gretzky, Messier, Lowe, Coffey, Kurri, Tikkanen, etc…then what’s the point? With the creative genius of Todd McFarland at your disposal, why would you run out a sacred old jersey that was easily obtainable by fans to purchase anyway, instead of designing something new?

7. Carolina Hurricanes:
It really was a struggle for me to put the ‘Canes this high on the list. I hate the team for various reasons (mainly that they belong in Hartford), and despite the fact that it’s yet another BLACK jersey, it’s actually pretty cool. I like the warning flag logo better than the logo that is commonly referred to as the flushing toilet.

8. Los Angeles Kings:
After some dreadful jerseys (Lakers colors) and a bomb of a third jersey (1996 white with a stupid king head), the team designers hit gold with the black/purple/silver scheme. I was hoping they would put out another sweater with the focus on purple again like the past alternate, but I got nothing. This black/silver number is nice, but way too plain. Where’s the purple? Hell, I’d be OK with some gold in there. With the jersey history this team has, they would have been hard pressed to screw it up with something different, but instead they pussied out and opted for a vanilla cone. And yet, I still kinda like this and it makes me mad.

9. Atlanta Thrashers:
Well, at least it’s not powder-freakin-blue. The maroon is a nice touch, but are you telling me you couldn’t think of a better logo than spelling out the team name? Then again, this is Atlanta we’re talking about. It’s amazing they can even give the tickets away. I guess Georgians need to be reminded of the team name considering the mad parakeet they stick on the main jerseys. I’d really like this one if they had revamped the logo a bit.

10. Tampa Bay Lightning:
I got the same gripes about this one as the last and then some. It’s bad enough to spell out your team name on your jersey, but you’re not the “Bolts!” It’s the freakin “Lightning!” Get rid of that silly moniker and put a real logo on the front, then we’ll talk.

11. Vancouver Canucks:
I hate to pick on Vancouver. I respect the team (as with the other Canadian teams), but they could have done much better. At least it’s not the flying “V” I suppose. All they did here was keep the colors of the main jersey and swap out the logo for the inaugural one. But since the Canucks did roll out the worst looking jersey in the history of organized sport, I’d be a little trigger shy, too.

12. Montreal Canadiens (alt #1):
Yeah, I know…they are celebrating their 100th anniversary this year and the team wants to do a bunch of throwbacks. But why not try something new and crazy? The Montreal jerseys have been practically the same since Jesus was born. I call these shirts “hockey rink camo” cuz it looks as if they plan to have the players lie down across the blue line to meld into the surroundings. As the other team skates by, the Habs pounce on them. Gives new meaning to the neutral zone trap. Grow some balls already, Canada.

13. Ottawa Senators:
This jersey just makes me mad. Just as I’m upset with Tampa Bay…it’s cute to have a nickname and all that shit, but putting it on your jersey is just stupid. You’re not the Sens! You don’t see the Sabres calling themselves the Sabes…or Toronto calling themselves the Mapes…and slapping it on the front of their sweaters, do you?! And here we are with another BLACK fuckin jersey. Do something else ya unoriginal bastards!

14. Chicago Blackhawks (alt #2):
It my belief that this is the only team allowed to wear all black. They are the Blackhawks after all. I didn’t rank this higher just because it’s boring. Blind kids with no hands could have done better.

15. Toronto Maple Leafs:
There’s only so much you can do with Blue and White. They made the leaf a little meaner…well…about as mean as a leaf can look anyway. Other than that, it’s the same old tired Toronto sweater.

16. Montreal Canadiens (alt #2):
This is just dumb, but there’s worse jerseys out there this year. This logo has little meaning to today’s fans, so I’m not sure why they bothered. Habs fans shouldn’t take any solace in the fact that this isn’t dead last, cuz it sucks balls. I’d actually be more impressed if they made the blue the dominant color, but Canadiens can’t do anything right except beer and maple syrup.

17. Boston Bruins:
Good God. Whoever said that simpler is better got it dead wrong here. The “B” on the originals has a long and storied history, but the team opted to throw it away for a fucking teddy bear. And seeing that hockey fans already know where Boston plays, I can only assume spelling it out on the jersey is for the benefit of the New England people that have never heard of sports other than baseball and football.

18. Pittsburgh Penguins:
This has got to be the gayest jersey in the free world. Pastel-frickin-Blue? I hear that next year, the team will let fans vote between pastel green, pastel yellow, and pastel pink. Yeah, Pittsburgh is a blue collar town, but I think the Pens missed the meaning there. I guess the team wasn’t happy that Atlanta already had girly looking powder blue jerseys and opted to make one even more babyish. I’m willing to bet Sidney and Malkin curl up next to each other and wrap themselves in these jerseys every night before they go to sleep.

19. New York Islanders:
I guess the fans should be thankful the team didn’t use that stupid fishsticks guy as the logo this time. But that doesn’t make this jersey any better. Actually, now that I think about it, the fishsticks guy might not be so bad with a little makeover, but the team is a bunch of morons and doesn’t think of anything that might be considered constructive. Not like the fans will care either way because the Isles suck and nobody buys their shit.

20. Montreal Canadiens (alt #3):
I can’t even look at this jersey without going into seizures. I hear that next years jerseys will just be Rorschach blotches. There’s a reason the Habs stopped using this sweater. Nobody likes an arena full of shaking and drooling people…well, unless it’s the Obama campaign.

21. Philadelphia Flyers:
The only people that should wear all orange are hunters. This just makes the team look like a bunch of road pylons. Then again…that’s exactly how they play. I’m surprised they didn’t throw a cheese-steak on the front as the new logo. The Flyers logo is an obvious Red Wing knockoff and it’s the lamest thing I’ve ever seen. It doesn’t matter cuz Flyers fans are too fat to wear hockey jerseys in the first place. Although I hear they might make this one in 4XL.

22. Dallas Stars:
I would have loved to be on the planning board for this one. Were they so impressed with the blatant blandness of the home jerseys that they felt it was necessary to take them on the road? There’s no mention of the team name or even a logo. I think someone screwed up. I believe the team told the NHL they planned on making a third jersey and then forgot all about it. Maybe some intern forgot to mark the deadline date on the calendar or something? Either way, I imagine, the guys from Reebok showed up looking for the design and everyone panicked…so the owner just threw the old black design at them and said “just change this to white!” as he hid behind a partially open door. Is the team management so devoid of creative talent that this was the best they could do? It’s a white shirt with “Dallas” printed on the front for crying out loud! My daughter could have Bedazzled a better jersey than this rag! The team probably got an overstock of D, A, L, and S iron on decals and needed to use them up. That’s creative gold right there! I think it’s hilarious that any sports team has to put the name of the city on the front of the jerseys in the first place. Is it because players really aren’t sure who they are playing for? Or maybe other teams aren’t sure who they are playing against on any given night? Or maybe the fans are too drunk to realize where they are? I shouldn’t really call the Dallas people “fans” cuz I’m willing to bet none have them have seen more than one Stars game in any given season. I guess the team figured they weren’t going to sell any jerseys anyway, so why bother making something worthwhile. This and the home black jersey are in my list of the worst jerseys ever made. Yay, Dallas! You actually accomplished something! Mediocrity!

That Vicky Bitch is Still Here

So everyone sat in front of their TV's last night watching the Biggest Loser, hoping against hope, that this Vicky skank would finally be kicked off the show. But, alas, no such luck.

Renee got voted off last night. Kind of sad I guess. Not that she was tearing up the scales either, but she still did a great job in losing 72 pounds and played the game the way it should have been played.

Vicky, on the other hand, cried and snivelled her way into the final four. She talked up a huge game before heading into the weekly challenge. She was all about winning this particular competition because the winner was to be awarded a trip to a spa and gym. What-the-fuck-ever. The contestants had to brace themselves in a glass box suspended 12 feet over a pool of water. Vicky bitched out just a few minutes into it. She quit. After all that talk, she was the first to quit. Then she was afraid to fall into the water. She quit and then sat on the ledge until the competition was done. After sitting there crying about how far down it was and blah, blah, whine, whine...all of the other competitors had to coax her down and shit.

Then, after the game, Bob had the nerve to praise her for trusting in her teammates to get her to come down. WHAT?! Everyone else dropped down without incident, but it's some major accomplishment for Vicky to quit and trust someone else that she wasn't going to get hurt falling into a pool of water? What the hell is that shit? Bob is fucked up.

The only good news about this nonsense is that the contestants will not be voting amongst themselves to decide the final three that qualify for the $250k prize. However, this is not a gimme to get rid of Vicky. Even though America hates this whiny bitch, she will still have to do poorly enough to fall below the yellow line. I'm willing to bet she will, though, just because she's a quitter.

The only one I'm rooting for is Michelle, who is clearly the best looking chick left on the show anyways...but not only that...as I've admired how she has handled herself throughout the competition.

Anyway...here's to Vicky falling on her face...

Top 5 Sci-Fi Movies No One Talks About

So I spent some time bitching about shitty movies so I figured I’d spin it around and talk about movies I actually like. These are my top 5 favorite Sci-Fi movies that no one really ever talks about. I’m not sure why they don’t come up in regular conversation cuz each of them kicks ass in its own right. Anyway…on with the list.

5. Mystery Science Theater: The Movie (1996) – Yeah, so maybe it’s not really a traditional Sci-Fi movie. But it’s about guys living in space forced to watch a movie about aliens and there’s some basic space travel. This movie is a theatrical presentation of the show that is normally on TV. A basic synopsis: Mike Nelson, an ordinary guy, is sent into space by a mad scientist. The mad scientist tries to break Mike’s spirit by forcing him to watch super-crappy grade B movies. Mike, however, creates a couple of robots to keep him company and as they watch said movies, they “riff” them relentlessly…which is just a fancy way of saying that they make fun of them to tolerate the movie.

In this movie, they are forced to watch the sci-fi classic “This Island Earth”. Mike and his robots spend the movie ripping it to shreds and it’s down right hilarious. If, by any chance, you like to laugh and enjoy people making funny comments about crappy movies, this is a must see. If your local Blockbuster doesn’t carry it…set some dogshit bombs outside the store.

4. Starship Troopers (1997) – Synopsis: People on Earth battle alien insects on a world in another solar system. Result: A kick ass flick. Seriously. Set in the future, The alien bugs, even with limited intelligence, are pissed that humans are starting to populate the universe. While the bugs lack fancy weapons, they are huge insects with razor like appendages that slice through flesh like toothpicks to a wiener. Some folks didn’t like this film for a lack of realism, but who gives a shit? It’s fucking fiction, dickheads. The plot is good and people get fucked up. And there’s a few shots of tits, so it has to be worth watching.

3. The Last Starfighter (1984) – I almost didn’t put this in. I actually started shopping around for other movies to place on the list. In fact, I had “Space Raiders” from 1983 in this spot before going back to Starfighter and had I remembering anything about the plot of Raiders I would have left it in. None-the-less, the Starfighter movie does kick a little ass at the very least. Sure, the graphics aren’t exactly Star Wars quality, but we’re talking about a 80’s flick without ILM. The idea behind mastering a video game so as to be recruited to a galactic Starfighter force is rather interesting. Even though the acting is a little…God, I hate the word “campy”…it still makes for a cool flick. You can sometimes find this in the bargain bin at Walmart cheaper than renting. It’s worth all the pennies, I promise.

2. The Black Hole (1979) – I love this movie. After Star Wars, this was the first sci-fi flick I remember seeing. The odd thing is that it’s fascinated me ever since I saw it. The acting isn’t exactly top notch and there are a few physics loopholes that make you roll your eyes, but overall, this flick is pretty damn cool. The musical overture at the beginning of the film is haunting and deserves to be mentioned along with the theme from Jaws in its effect. If you’re a sci-fi fan, it’s completely worth buying. The idea of people hanging out on a ship near a black hole is just awesome.

1. Event Horizon (1997) – This has become a cult favorite as of late and I can’t blame them. This horror film has everything you would want in a sci-fi flick. Blood, guts, mysterious forces, tits…well there’s no hot tits that aren't covered in blood, so not quite everything. It’s about a group of space rescue folks who are sent to recover the secret science vessel, the Event Horizon. It seems that the Horizon is able to travel through worm-holes to go to other dimensions. On its first test run, the Horizon travels through a worm-hole and disappears. It reappears some time later, but the crew has vanished (hence, the rescue mission is dispatched). The rescue team finds the ship abandoned, but there is an evil living force on the ship that tries to kill all the rescue peeps. In the end, only a couple folks live. It’s a lot like “Alien” in its writing and I believe it’s just as good.

Anyways, this is boring…it’s not as much fun writing about movies I like versus ones that suck. I think I’ll go back to bitching…

Five Movies You Should Never See

I like watching movies…who doesn’t? My problem is that people tend to like shit. It boggles my mind that movie studios have enough money to throw around that allows them to keep producing absolute crap. Here we are, roughly 100 years into film making and we are still force fed celluloid garbage.

I like watching movies that have a sense of entertainment. I’ll watch crap from time to time depending on how entertaining it is, but I’ve compiled a short list of movies I absolutely could not stand. These are movies that I felt cheated me out of my hard earned $$ and 2 hours of my short life.

So, here are my top 5 worst films I’ve ever been sucked into watching…but be advised that this is by no means a complete list:

5. The Pink Panther (2006) – I know people are all about nostalgia lately, but whose bright idea was this to resurrect a franchise that nobody cared about in the first place? Steve Martin had to be really hurting for cash to make this turd-muffin. I had heard from a friend that this movie was pretty funny. Well, a “pretty funny” review is usually enough for me to plop down the $4 for a rental. That person is no longer my friend. The only time I laughed was during the “Damburger” language lesson…which doesn’t have any bearing on the movie plot anyway. I think my DVD player tried to warn me when it kept freezing during the first few minutes of the film. My dumb ass put it in another DVD player and watched it anyway. I think my ears bled afterward. I cried when I heard they are making a sequel to this brain-screw. Fuck you, Pink Panther, I won’t be shit on twice.

4. Batman and Robin (1997) – A safe addition, maybe, but well deserving of being on a piss-poor movie list. I won’t even mention the nipple thing. Not when there was plenty of bad acting, bad plots, bad filming, and bad characters. What the fuck happened to you, Batman? You went from being a badass to a candyass in less than 2 films. This film was so bad, in fact, that it forced a reboot of the entire franchise! How do you screw up a Batman movie? When a video game of Batman made of LEGO pieces is more badass than a movie, you know you completely fucked up. Thank God Batman Begins and The Dark Knight righted the series, because I couldn’t live with this fart bubble as being the last movie.

3. Funny Games (2008) – A lot of critics liked this movie…and verified my feelings that critics are fat pieces of shit that don’t know shit about movies. How can you advise people to see this movie and live with yourself? I’d rather be sitting in a dentists chair than live through this film again. The film is about two sadistic brothers who terrorize a family vacationing at there summer home. Sounds good, right? You really can’t fuck up that kind of movie, right?

*sigh*

Yes…apparently you can fuck up that kind of movie. Despite its dragging plot through the first half of the film, I actually was not bleeding out of my eyes. That is, until the mom gets the upper hand and blasts one of the attacks with a 12 gauge. However, the other attacker wrestles the shotgun from the mom and knocks her out cold and the attackers goes about pacing the room distraught that his brother has been killed and trying to figure out what to do. I’m still doing OK here and kind of giggling a bit. But, the filmmakers, not happy with this plot twist, decide to correct their mistake by having the character find a regular old TV remote control and rewind REAL LIFE to the point before the mom takes the shotgun from the brother. At this point, my brain exploded and gray matter started flowing from my ears. How can you take a movie that was moving along in a realistic manner and introduce something that CAN’T FUCKING HAPPEN?! In the end, the brothers, with one having been resurrected by a magic remote, kill the entire family and live on to torture some other poor souls...most likely someone with a Netflix account. What the fuck is that shit? The movie sucked without that bit of nonsense, and super-sucked with it. Congratulations, Hollywood, you fucked it up again.

2. I Know Who Killed Me (2007) – This should have been titled “I Know Who’s Career is in the Tank”. Lindsay Lohan somehow managed to stay sober for a few minutes to make this train wreck of a film. If you haven’t seen this methane machine, I strongly suggest you don’t even read the back cover of the DVD case let alone see the film. This is a movie about twin sisters…um, stigmatic twin sisters…uh…stigmatic twin sisters that didn’t know they had a twin sister…that is…until one of them gets killed by a serial killer and the other mysteriously arrives in town with similar injuries as the one that was killed. Can’t follow all that? Don’t worry, neither did I. I actually had to read a director’s review of the movie afterward to understand what the hell happened. The movie doesn’t explain shit. During the movie, Lindsay’s character is captured by a serial killer…then Lindsay’s character is found on the side of the road (as the twin, but you’re only told that when the info is useless)…then Lindsay’s character finds the previous Lindsay character buried in the woods. Not one sentence of dialogue explains how they were connected until someone mumbles something about both of them being born to a crack-whore. Actually, reading this garbled mess of a paragraph makes more sense in 3 minutes than the movie did in 2 hours. Do yourself a favor and jump through a plate glass window if someone offers for you to watch this shit.

1. Open Water (2003) – Good God…just thinking about this film makes me angry. I’ll always be hard pressed to view a movie and consider it worse than this stinker. I don’t care if it’s based on a true story or not…it was downright painful to watch this sack of ball sweat. It’s amazing that some people and critics actually liked this movie. I read someone’s comment on a movie site that read: “The main characters of Open Water show how the human spirit is strong and we can always triumph!”...

...Grrrr...

I wish I still had the link to that post just so I can lambaste that fucker into kingdom come. How the fuck can people call this a vision into the triumph of the human spirit when the characters GAVE UP?! They quit! They didn’t do shit! They whined about being cold for a little while and then they killed themselves! Listen…I’ve read and heard stories of people performing superhuman feats to survive. Prime example: Aron Ralston. This guy was hiking through a Utah canyon when an 800 pound boulder fell on him and pinned his arm. After being trapped for 5 days and with no way of summoning help, that sumbitch CUT OFF HIS FUCKING ARM! With a dull fucking pocket knife! THAT’S a fucking triumph of the human spirit’s will to live…not these pussy bitches that quit after only 12 hours in the water. Shit…I’ve heard stories of people drifting in the Atlantic for days…DAYS! Hell, even here, in my hometown, during the Blizzard of 1977…people were trapped in their cars for days without food and/or water in temperatures that hovered in the single digits...they made it and then fired up the BBQ! What about those soccer fuckers who ate their friends in the mountains after their plane crashed? That’s a fucking triumph right there...just because it's amazing soccer teams make enough money to fly. Open Water just shows me how weak people are…how easily people will quit because that’s the easy way out. You know what I think? These people wanted to die. They committed suicide. They probably planned it out, too. They got lost on purpose, and as soon as that boat sailed and left them behind, their plan was complete. They probably did their families a favor I guess…at least they didn’t have to clean up some messy hanging or 12 gauge blast to the temple. Anyway…Open Water is always going to be the worst movie on my list just because I hate quitters.