I like watching movies…who doesn’t? My problem is that people tend to like shit. It boggles my mind that movie studios have enough money to throw around that allows them to keep producing absolute crap. Here we are, roughly 100 years into film making and we are still force fed celluloid garbage.
I like watching movies that have a sense of entertainment. I’ll watch crap from time to time depending on how entertaining it is, but I’ve compiled a short list of movies I absolutely could not stand. These are movies that I felt cheated me out of my hard earned $$ and 2 hours of my short life.
So, here are my top 5 worst films I’ve ever been sucked into watching…but be advised that this is by no means a complete list:
5. The Pink Panther (2006) – I know people are all about nostalgia lately, but whose bright idea was this to resurrect a franchise that nobody cared about in the first place? Steve Martin had to be really hurting for cash to make this turd-muffin. I had heard from a friend that this movie was pretty funny. Well, a “pretty funny” review is usually enough for me to plop down the $4 for a rental. That person is no longer my friend. The only time I laughed was during the “Damburger” language lesson…which doesn’t have any bearing on the movie plot anyway. I think my DVD player tried to warn me when it kept freezing during the first few minutes of the film. My dumb ass put it in another DVD player and watched it anyway. I think my ears bled afterward. I cried when I heard they are making a sequel to this brain-screw. Fuck you, Pink Panther, I won’t be shit on twice.
4. Batman and Robin (1997) – A safe addition, maybe, but well deserving of being on a piss-poor movie list. I won’t even mention the nipple thing. Not when there was plenty of bad acting, bad plots, bad filming, and bad characters. What the fuck happened to you, Batman? You went from being a badass to a candyass in less than 2 films. This film was so bad, in fact, that it forced a reboot of the entire franchise! How do you screw up a Batman movie? When a video game of Batman made of LEGO pieces is more badass than a movie, you know you completely fucked up. Thank God Batman Begins and The Dark Knight righted the series, because I couldn’t live with this fart bubble as being the last movie.
3. Funny Games (2008) – A lot of critics liked this movie…and verified my feelings that critics are fat pieces of shit that don’t know shit about movies. How can you advise people to see this movie and live with yourself? I’d rather be sitting in a dentists chair than live through this film again. The film is about two sadistic brothers who terrorize a family vacationing at there summer home. Sounds good, right? You really can’t fuck up that kind of movie, right?
*sigh*
Yes…apparently you can fuck up that kind of movie. Despite its dragging plot through the first half of the film, I actually was not bleeding out of my eyes. That is, until the mom gets the upper hand and blasts one of the attacks with a 12 gauge. However, the other attacker wrestles the shotgun from the mom and knocks her out cold and the attackers goes about pacing the room distraught that his brother has been killed and trying to figure out what to do. I’m still doing OK here and kind of giggling a bit. But, the filmmakers, not happy with this plot twist, decide to correct their mistake by having the character find a regular old TV remote control and rewind REAL LIFE to the point before the mom takes the shotgun from the brother. At this point, my brain exploded and gray matter started flowing from my ears. How can you take a movie that was moving along in a realistic manner and introduce something that CAN’T FUCKING HAPPEN?! In the end, the brothers, with one having been resurrected by a magic remote, kill the entire family and live on to torture some other poor souls...most likely someone with a Netflix account. What the fuck is that shit? The movie sucked without that bit of nonsense, and super-sucked with it. Congratulations, Hollywood, you fucked it up again.
2. I Know Who Killed Me (2007) – This should have been titled “I Know Who’s Career is in the Tank”. Lindsay Lohan somehow managed to stay sober for a few minutes to make this train wreck of a film. If you haven’t seen this methane machine, I strongly suggest you don’t even read the back cover of the DVD case let alone see the film. This is a movie about twin sisters…um, stigmatic twin sisters…uh…stigmatic twin sisters that didn’t know they had a twin sister…that is…until one of them gets killed by a serial killer and the other mysteriously arrives in town with similar injuries as the one that was killed. Can’t follow all that? Don’t worry, neither did I. I actually had to read a director’s review of the movie afterward to understand what the hell happened. The movie doesn’t explain shit. During the movie, Lindsay’s character is captured by a serial killer…then Lindsay’s character is found on the side of the road (as the twin, but you’re only told that when the info is useless)…then Lindsay’s character finds the previous Lindsay character buried in the woods. Not one sentence of dialogue explains how they were connected until someone mumbles something about both of them being born to a crack-whore. Actually, reading this garbled mess of a paragraph makes more sense in 3 minutes than the movie did in 2 hours. Do yourself a favor and jump through a plate glass window if someone offers for you to watch this shit.
1. Open Water (2003) – Good God…just thinking about this film makes me angry. I’ll always be hard pressed to view a movie and consider it worse than this stinker. I don’t care if it’s based on a true story or not…it was downright painful to watch this sack of ball sweat. It’s amazing that some people and critics actually liked this movie. I read someone’s comment on a movie site that read: “The main characters of Open Water show how the human spirit is strong and we can always triumph!”...
...Grrrr...
I wish I still had the link to that post just so I can lambaste that fucker into kingdom come. How the fuck can people call this a vision into the triumph of the human spirit when the characters GAVE UP?! They quit! They didn’t do shit! They whined about being cold for a little while and then they killed themselves! Listen…I’ve read and heard stories of people performing superhuman feats to survive. Prime example: Aron Ralston. This guy was hiking through a Utah canyon when an 800 pound boulder fell on him and pinned his arm. After being trapped for 5 days and with no way of summoning help, that sumbitch CUT OFF HIS FUCKING ARM! With a dull fucking pocket knife! THAT’S a fucking triumph of the human spirit’s will to live…not these pussy bitches that quit after only 12 hours in the water. Shit…I’ve heard stories of people drifting in the Atlantic for days…DAYS! Hell, even here, in my hometown, during the Blizzard of 1977…people were trapped in their cars for days without food and/or water in temperatures that hovered in the single digits...they made it and then fired up the BBQ! What about those soccer fuckers who ate their friends in the mountains after their plane crashed? That’s a fucking triumph right there...just because it's amazing soccer teams make enough money to fly. Open Water just shows me how weak people are…how easily people will quit because that’s the easy way out. You know what I think? These people wanted to die. They committed suicide. They probably planned it out, too. They got lost on purpose, and as soon as that boat sailed and left them behind, their plan was complete. They probably did their families a favor I guess…at least they didn’t have to clean up some messy hanging or 12 gauge blast to the temple. Anyway…Open Water is always going to be the worst movie on my list just because I hate quitters.
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